Sunday, June 21, 2015

Productive Life.. ?

Life has been pretty hectic especially for the last few weeks, both work and home.
本人从未如此认真努力过,I've never been so seriously industrious before.

I know not whether to laugh or cry at that last statement.
(Or maybe I have but am truly, hopelessly hopeless at recalling things now. Yes, dire lack of sleep.)

Work occupied a large portion of my time for a couple of weeks now, more responsibilities and higher expectations (my own included). Asserting myself, raising enquiries when there are doubts, observing and adjusting to how my teammates work while not losing myself in that process, a very crucial point.. A lot of self-love taking place, the kind where you know what's REALLY important to you regardless of what others may or may not think.

On the home front, I have been spring-cleaning the kitchen for a number of weekends. One of my sisters moved back to our hometown (to reset her life) and generously showered me and another sister with some of the stuff she's 'collected' over the years as she lived in the big city (she never foresaw her own move back to hometown, it was an impromptu decision) (never hoard things, you'll totally regret it when you move!). And so yours truly grabbed this golden opportunity to clean up the house once and for all, beginning with the kitchen..

The kitchen is finally a kitchen. I am so proud of myself wei!
Next: the living room + my own room a.k.a makeshift storerooms.
I estimate 10 weekends =.=

The only real reason it took me so long: procrastination.
I hate cleaning up, couple that with deciding which to throw or give, which to keep, where to clean first, where to put what.. The kitchen had been in that hopeless state for YEARS wei!

What do I do whenever I'm stuck? Yes, procrastinate =.=

With all that finally done, I'm totally bushed.

Do I feel productive and somewhat good? Yes, I do.
Do I feel true to myself? No, I don't.

Even when I have those small windows of time to do the things that I really wanna do (especially when I'm procrastinating, cough), I just can't bring myself to do any of them. This makes me feel really, really disoriented because hey, I'm spending so much time doing things that I do not happen to really enjoy and yet when it comes to things that would light up my whole being, I stop dead in my tracks.

Funny huh?

Just go and do it lah, I'd used to automatically say to anyone else who has the same problem.
Incredibly insensitive.
If the problem could be solved so easily, procrastination would no longer exist.

But all are not lost, the confidence and skills I'm building up doing things that I do not happen to really enjoy are becoming great inner pillars of strength for me to border on while I figure out how to push myself to do the work that really matters.

Prayers, I have been very, very diligent in saying my prayers.
Best thing that I've done for myself in my whole 34 years of life now, my whole spiritual being is constantly being molded as I persevere in praying the Rosary and the Novena of the Divine Mercy every. single. day.

I started watching Catholic Youtube videos to know more about my faith after realizing how shallow my own faith was when a friend got embroiled in some matters of the spiritual world.
I've never been so thankful to have been born a Catholic before.

Growing older does things to you, depending on the values you knowingly or unknowingly hold on to.
Things that used to matter, crushes, (dreaming of) getting filthy rich and famous, what others may or may not think about how things are done.. They all seem so trivial now.
The things that matter now, family, faith, life's purpose.. You know you can do much better than what you're doing now but life has it's mystical way of humbling you, telling you to take your steps one at a time.
And have faith.

New challenges are coming in already as the 3rd quarter of 2015 comes rolling around.
The real challenge is in adjusting what goes on in my mind as I face each of them one by one, whether I'm ready or not.