Wednesday, December 31, 2014

2015 相信美好。
2015 Believe In The Good.

Another year of gradual transformation.
That's how I would describe my 2014.
我的2014,又一个逐渐蜕变的一年。

My proudest achievement? Discovering that triumph over ego is possible.
I have a very big ego, anyone who knows me well enough from way back would be very much aware of this. After all these years living with that monster in me, I've begun to learn to swallow my pride and listen rather than making a huge case out of defending myself.
Because most of the time, when people say something bad, they are actually pleading for someone to listen to what's not being said and yet they themselves don't realize it.
本人最大的成就感,是发现原来自尊心是可以征服的。
本人的自尊心其实满强的,跟本人够熟的人都挺了解本人的这个特点。 跟那心灵的怪兽共生存了多年,本人终于开始比较懂得如何不被太强的自尊心控制反而学习更深一层的聆听。
因为通常当一个人说出不好听的话,他其实非常盼望有人能听得出他真正想说的话,这连他自己都不晓得。

It's not easy lor!
真的很不简单咯!

Facing my fears by doing what I think I have to do and saying what I think I have to say in spite of my reluctance had also earned me my levelled up confidence in myself.
I've learnt to listen to my instincts too.
Most importantly, I've learnt that it's really OK to fail as long as I pick myself up, realize what really went wrong (as well as what went right) and keep on moving forward.
还有,即时我有多不愿意,我尽量让自己做些自己觉得该做的事,说些自己觉得该说的话。 面对这种种的恐惧真的有让我的自信心提升。
我也更相信我的自觉了。
最重要的是,我终于了解失败真的是噢给的,只要我跌倒了过后再次站起来,看清楚到底做错了什么(同时也看清楚做对了什么)继续往前。。走。

Moving forward, step by step.
是的,一步一步地往前走。

2015, I continue to seek out my true self.
The person that I'm meant to be, rather than who I want to be.
Something that only God knows.
Something for me to find out and eventually live up to.
2015, 我继续寻找真正的自己。
那命中注定的我而不是我理想中的我。
惟有天主知道。
我必须努力的寻找而终究符合。

I continue to believe in the good.
我继续相信生命中的美好。

Tuesday, December 30, 2014

Interstellar: Dazed.

I was in a daze when I stepped out of the cinema.
The effect persisted for at least 10 minutes or so.
It was as if I just got jolted by a dull, 3-hour long electric shock.

I remember the cinema floors with closed shops, almost void of life.
I remember seeing people in the distance as I went down the elevator.
I remember seeing more people and wondering to myself, what is this person's life like, what about that person's, as I sometimes do as I went down the floors.

I remember asking myself, how are we connected.

I saw a kid holding her parent's hand. And then another.
Twice I heard people talking about time as they passed me by.
One was saying on the phone, it's almost 10 already now.
Another was saying to her friend, maybe 7 or 8 tomorrow.

I came to the park and decided to take a different route to clear my head a little.

It so happened that a dinner had just ended in a hall beside the lake in the park.
People were coming out, but my attention was on those who were taking pictures on a wide bridge instead after I took pictures of the two towers.
Families. Friends. I secretly snapped a picture of them and smiled to myself.
By this time, the dazed effect had begun to wear off.

I went on my way to the train station and stopped to watch the musical fountain in the lake from afar. Snapped a picture of it and took a video. With a strange feeling of satisfaction, I smiled to myself again.

During the final stretch before I finally reached the tunnel leading up to the train station, I saw dozens and dozens of staffs of a deparmental store inside the mall beside the lake queueing up to punch out of work. Cars, also dozens and dozens of them, were also in a queue to leave the mall.

I snapped 2 pictures of the scene with my faithful (albeit slow) phone.

More people in the train.

I've never felt so overwhelmed by all the people around me before, all the way from the cinema to the train station.
We are complete strangers, yet we are connected in so many ways that I do not have words to describe yet.
I was at a total, complete loss of words to describe how I really felt there and then.

Which begets the question, how does a film manage to stir such whirlwind of emotions in a person?
Unbeknownst to that person even.

I knew Interstellar would be a good movie with Christopher Nolan at the helm and also as one of its screenwriters, but what JJ Lin shared sparked a deep curiosity in me as to what the movie actually held.

What he wrote was not a movie review.
It was as if he himself got teleported to another world and back.

I tried to recall both his writeups (another one here) for Interstellar at the beginning of my dazed walk that night but it was almost futile.
Because enticing as they were, they were his, not mine.

What is time?

What is love?

And why do we have to let go before we can actually fulfil our souls' innermost desires?

I am still looking for answers.
My answers.

Saturday, December 27, 2014

刺人的玫瑰。。生日快乐。

玫瑰是善良的
玫瑰是体贴的
玫瑰是谨慎的
玫瑰是认真的

玫瑰试着去寻找爱
遇到的人都不懂爱
不是不懂怎么去爱
而是不懂她要的爱

因为不懂爱 无意伤害
逞强的玫瑰 在意伤害
微小的不满 展刺伤害
结果自己也 无意伤害

伤害别人 伤害自己

脆弱的心灵 伤痕累累
累积的伤痛 怎么不累
尽情的逃避 肯定很累
勇敢的面对 才无牵累

爱她的人其实很多
只是可惜她看不多
在乎的人聚少离多
有时候还理由多多

刺人的玫瑰 自尊心太强
刺人的玫瑰 学习着收敛
刺人的玫瑰 盼妳的成长
刺人的玫瑰 祝生日快乐

Friday, December 26, 2014

Gone Without Goodbye.

A friend's youngest brother passed away in his sleep on the 22nd. He was only 24.

I was shocked when I first saw the news in her sister's Facebook timeline. She posted a beautiful picture of her and her brother in a church, both smiling happily.
Comments were all condolences over her loss.

Shocked is an understatement.
My tears were thisclose to free-flowing down my cheeks (and at one point they did, when I went through their brother's Facebook timeline which were full of heartfelt messages).
I still have this image in my mind of him as this short and cute kid in his home talking to his sister (his sister and I used to hang out at each other's home in the beginning years of secondary school).

Heartbreaking. I really can't fathom how the family's coping with this.
Truth to be told, I'm not that close to my sibilings as much as they are, yet I already can't bear the thought of losing any one of my siblings no matter how dysfunctional our relationships may be now.

It's morbid how it seems to take deaths, especially of those I know, to again and again pull my focus to what's really important.
Yet it's morbid also how I tend to take these morbid reminders for granted again and again when I'm once again caught adrift in life's river of little worries and petty misunderstandings..

But there are times too when I've had enough of nonsense from some people, that I begin to back out from relationships that are causing me anxieties that are too much for me to handle.
Even from people that I actually do care about, "cold-blooded" as I think I may be.

Start with the consistent, insignificant little things, I tell myself now again and again, and let them compound their effects over time instead.
Gotta go for new ways if it's been proven again and again that the old ways are not effective at all.

After all, they say insanity is doing the same thing over and over again but expecting different results, something that I totally root for.

This time, the young brother's untimely death has also awakened that little awareness in me of how I want to live my life meaningfully and leave my own legacy in this world.
He was someone who delved into his passion and getting good results for it, winning his teammates' love, support and confidence too.
He was also a kind, happy and caring soul.

His Facebook profile picture was one of him and both his elder sisters.
He was well loved.

Death almost always come knocking on our doors shockingly unexpectedly, be it for ourselves or for any of our loved ones..
Are we ready to face and accept it when it does?

Sunday, December 21, 2014

"You Are On The Right Path."

"OK, you are on the right path."
This is what my Amway coach had always said to me when I was under his wings in his Amway group previously (from the second half of last year into the beginning of this year).

Part of it was referring to Amway.
Part of it, a huge part of it, was indicative of my own personal growth.
He worked tirelessly with me in efforts to bring up my self-esteem, one of the most instrumental people in my life to date.

Truth to be told, being the doubtful me, 72.9% of me didn't quite buy into what he said that time (sorry coach!). But the phrase got stuck in my head.

If you've read through what I've written in this blog so far, you'll have no problem discovering the plain fact that I'm not a cheerful person by nature. In almost all the things that I write or come up with, there are a few touches of grey (or blue, if you'd prefer) in them.

Why?
Not time to answer that question yet, haha.

The more renowned Chinese recording artistes (sorry yours truly is drawn to Chinese pop music for unknown reasons) who are of roughly the same age as mine has been in the business for around 10 years. The more influential bloggers that I started reading 10 years back are still blogging now and have branched out to do other things too while starting families of their own. Looking back at their hard work and what they've been through to get to where they are today, their achievements, I can't help feeling tinges of remorse and envy.

I honestly asked myself again and again, what have I done for my past 10 years?
I did not have a good answer, not a single answer that would satisfy my expectations.

My previous expectations, that is.

The past 30 decades of my life.. Not much of a roller coaster on the outside yet on the inside, I was practically screaming for help and I didn't even realize it myself. I was so trapped in my own thoughts, so lost and so confused yet at the same time so stubborn and so defensive.. I'd always thought of myself as a walking zombie, going through life on autopilot most of the time, thisclose to being in a rapid downward spiral to personal damnation, both on the inside and outside.

Hope was the only thing that I was clinging on to.
When I couldn't be convinced by anyone around me, I instinctively turned to inspirational stories or sharings in any forms. Articles, online and on paper, videos, audios, movies, dramas, music.. I devoured them all. This started way before self-help was common here and also around the time I started reading blogs.

Yes, 10 years ago.
All these years, neverending inputs of stories, both fiction and especially non-fiction, how-tos, the whys, touches of psychology here and there.. I didn't quite understand most of them but I was very curious so I read them all anyway.

Few weeks ago, I had a good hearty chat with an ex-colleague at my place (an unexpected 缘分, and she turned out to be one of my 同類 too!). A lot of the things she shared virtually knocked me on the head and most importantly, she shared with me a book..

The book that I'm currently reading.
The book that is having me going yes, yes, that's it again and again everytime I pick it up and read it!

I am on the right path. My path, to be exact.

I've. always. had. !!!

What I lacked was action, of putting out my own stuff out there.
Which I very rarely did simply because I was too afraid.
Of imperfections, of responses, of responsibilities.
Like this blog post that I'm writing out now, I'm not very happy with how it's turning out actually, so much so I really feel like shredding the whole thing =.=

Also the lack of patience, I was so frustrated by how I was slow to pick up on my piano and guitar skills, I was very quick to give up on them (on myself actually) again and again, thinking that I don't really have that much of a musical talent after all.
Yes, I had inadvertently subscribed myself to the modern society's school of instant-noodles-thought, shame on me =.=

And that fatal tendency to compare myself with others.

All of a sudden, my whole world brightened up. Just like that.

Everything makes so much sense now!

I have a clearer picture now of what my future looks like, and I firmly believe that the little, insignificant actions that I take now will lead me there, provided that I really work on them every single day.

I've learnt to trust that faint little voice in my heart too, the voice that is getting a little stronger each day.

The voice that is telling me very confidently that I'm on the right path.
The voice that is also telling me very unbelievable, amazing things.

May God's will be done. =)

Friday, December 19, 2014

最真诚的告白。

最真诚的告白莫过于内心最想说的那一份感想,感动,喜悦或悲伤。

没有伪装,不必包装,一切就顺其自然的说了出来。

带点感慨,有点无奈,同时也听得出来那心声微小的渴望。

对爱的渴望。
这份爱深过,也胜过那男女之间的爱情。

其实我们都不复杂。
我们只是需要一个懂我们的人。

有一个就很好了。

Monday, December 15, 2014

Fragile Hearts.
脆弱的心灵。

I think it was more than just fate.
I think He wanted me to see things more clearly for myself.

I went to church as usual on Sunday and after somehow deliberately bypassing an empty pew, came to one behind this family with two very young sons. The young mother was very beautiful and dressed up herself well. I didn't catch a good glimpse of the father, who sat on the other side of the pew.

I knelt down to say my prayers and suddenly felt that some eyes were on me. The parents were looking at me, smiling, and then at their youngest son who was sitting right in front of me that time, gesturing towards him, and then back at me, and then back at their son again. Only when I looked at the son did I realize that he was turned around to my direction and literally staring at me.

Slightly abashed, I smiled at him, and then at his parents, and then looked at the altar, and then smiled at them again. I seriously did not know how to respond so much so at one point, I even turned around to my other side to see if I was actually missing something.. Coz they kept looking at me!

Nothing there.

I have no idea what did the little guy see.
I was the usual T-shirt-and-jeans-long-hair-tied-up-in-a-bun me, nothing that would normally attract the attention of anyone at all, much less a kid's.

Anyway, the mass started and I thought that was it.
Attend the mass, try my best to focus and get it done with.

Not a very devoted Catholic, I know. But I do try. *shrug*

Towards the end of the opening song, the kid got up on the pew, walked a few steps and suddenly stomped twice right there on the pew with both feet! His mom got annoyed and immediately pinched him on the arm. And he got annoyed and pinched her back!

I think at this point I widened my eyes a little.
Spoilt kid, I thought to myself.

The little guy went down the pew and stood on the kneeler for a while before moving to the side of the pew in front of him (I managed to give him a stare while he was standing on the kneeler and turned around to my direction when his big eyes met mine but he didn't get it at all). He then put his mouth right on the side of the pew and blessed it with his saliva.. Again and again and again..

Yeah, I know. And I got the VIP seat.

This went on throughout the Introductory Rites of the mass and well into the two Readings with the Responsorial Psalm in between. His mom tried to pull him over to her side several times but he refused to budge from the side of the pew each time. She even tried to recruit the help of his brother to bring him over but no such luck either (as I shall see why later). I think she did motioned or said something to her husband. He remained seated as we all were for the readings.

At some points during his solitary sojourn by the pew when he wasn't 'blessing' it (or once, putting his saliva-covered thumb into his mouth), he leaned against it, as if pondering about something. At one time he even had his hands shoved into the pants of his pockets!
And he was wearing diapers =.=
这个小大人, I thought to myself again.

After a while, I actually felt for him.
For he reminded me of myself.
That stubborn girl who would sulk all by herself when things do not go her way, disregarding all efforts of persuasion even when the rest of the party had moved on without her.

Yes, that bad.

His dad was actually watching him from afar from the other side of the pew. I only realized that after he got up and immediately went to get his young son when we were getting up for the Gospel Acclamation. He got back to his side of the pew with the little guy perched on his strong arms.
Again, I thought that was that.

Halfway through the Gospel Acclamation, the kid cried. He buried his face into his dad's chest and literally cried his heart out, his cries drowned out by the song.
My heart straightaway melted.

That's me. That's so, so me.
I think my heart was crying together with him that moment in time.
Just like how it is now as I recalled what happened.

He calmed down after a short while. We then sat down for the homily after the Gospel Reading, him sitting on his father's lap. I thought I saw his dad talking to him for a brief moment.

No, not the end yet.
Yeah I know I sound very distracted from the mass here, but what happened right in front of me that time felt very, very important to my very inner being..
There is this inner need to share it out right here.

All this while, his older brother was very busy with first, his mom's smartphone, and then, his mom's iPad mini or something. Sometimes leaning against his mom, sometimes sitting there on his own, sometimes lying down on the pew with, annoyingly, his legs seemingly everywhere.

Busier than an octopus'.

When we were standing up again for the Apostle's Creed, his dad sent his little brother to his side, obviously so that the two can keep each other company while the parents concentrate on the mass. At this point the older brother was sitting in a distance from his mother, so the little one came to sit in between his older brother and his mom, who was standing up by now, a little squeezed but he didn't seem to mind, and watched as his brother sat there and play on the mini tablet.

At first it was a warm sight even, the younger one watching quietly while the older one played. Then, just seconds later, the older brother started to shift uneasily, got up and squeezed himself between his younger brother and his mom instead! And he tried to hide whatever he was playing from his brother's sight too!

He tried his best to get away from his little brother (by moving back and forth the pew they were on) when he found that he couldn't possibly escape his brother's prying eyes with him by his side. The little one instead continued to follow him around whenever he could, seemingly satisfied with even a short glimpse of whatever his brother was playing on the mini. Never making a sound, to my surprise. I was so worried and actually expected that he would at one point explode in a ruckus, but he didn't. At all. He was that patient.

The two's antics reminded me so much of me and my younger sister.
With me as the mean one.
I felt so guilty, my heart very sore at the nostalgic reminiscence.

The parents tried to coax the older one to share with his younger brother but he shook his head and wanting to keep playing on the mini to himself, he went away from his brother again, leaving the little one on his own. My heart really went out for the little one, as it did at the same time, for my younger sister who had always let me had my way when we were young.

I'm so, so sorry.. So, so sorry..

After all the failed attempts to get close to his brother, the little one went to get his milk bottle from the double insulated bottle carrier on his own (with some help from his father) and quietly drank his milk while lying on the pew between his mom and his dad at his dad's gestures. His legs, though, was seemingly everywhere too.

Yes, busier than an octopus'.

As I knelt down during the Eucharistic Prayer (yes, I was very, very distracted), the older kid was lying on the pew again right in front of me playing on the mini, his legs placed aimlessly on the pew. I looked at him hoping to catch his eyes with mine and when I did, I gave him a stare (like the one I gave his brother earlier). Not an angry stare or anything, just a stare that I hoped, on hindsight, would tell him that he should appreciate every chance he has to bond with his little brother. Seemingly unaffected, he shifted his eyes back to his car game on the mini. But no, he was affected because he tried to use the mini to block me out of his sight.

Mission accomplished.

Almost near the end, but not yet.

As the congregation geared up to sing the Our Father, both brothers sat up too, one after the other, the older one still on the mini, the younger one finishing off his milk. We have this non-standardized custom whereby we hold hands as we sing or recite the Our Father, especially during masses. The older one, although heavily absorbed in his game, managed to grab hold of his mom's left hand with his right hand halfway through the song, while he tried to touch one of the buttons of his game with his right thumb towards the end of the song, much to my amusement. The younger one, after finishing his milk, quickly put it back into the carrier and went to his father's right side, grabbing hold of his dad's right hand with his left hand.

One's mommy's boy, one's daddy's boy.
Which made me thought of my own relationship with my mom and dad..

As we stood for the Prayer After Communion, the little one came to his older brother's side of the pew (which was right in front of me), who was lying on the pew still very much on the mini, sat on the kneeler, placed his right cheek on his right hand which was on the edge of the pew and watch whatever it was his brother was playing on the mini while muttering something to his brother, completely oblivious to this one avid audience (I wanted so badly to whip out my phone that instant, load the camera and catch this very shot of the two of them but I was too scared of being labelled a stalker =.=). His brother unfortunately tried to hide the screen from the little one's view again.. Yet the little one just accepted it as it is.

Then the Concluding Rite came, we all stood up and something miraculous happened. The older brother passed the mini to the younger one, just like that!

And stole a few glances at me.

I pretended that I didn't see anything.
I do not particularly know why I did that, but I instinctively did what I did.
I would have much preferred he played the game together with his little brother, but this would suffice too.

I don't quite know what to make of all this actually. I've been feeling like I'm at crossroads again lately, a terrible feeling, like I'm back to square one again. Like what I've been trying to do for the past few weeks or even months are going down the drain.. Like I need to start all over again. *groan*

But no, I know I've changed.
I know I'm so much more different than who I was years ago, or even months ago.
And I also know that all these changes I'm gradually making for the better me are ongoing and continuous.

Until the day I take my last breath in this world.

Perseverance is my silent forte, I do NOT give up.

Update 16 Dec 2014, 12.33 pm:
Moments before we got up for the Concluding Rite, as we sat there for the church announcements, a sudden rush of mixed emotions swept over me and I really felt like weeping tears of gratitude right there and then. I was really, really touched, there was this indescribable feeling of warmth and joy inside me as I held back my tears and smiled to myself.
也许这就是那被释放的感觉。

Friday, December 12, 2014

祂真的很爱我。

祂真的很爱我。
天主真的真的很爱我。

祂没放弃过我。
一直在等我守候着我。

祂深深的相信我会回头。

祂终于等到了。
我终于回来了。

祂耐心聆听我的祈祷。
祂为了我安排好一切。

我真的真的很感动。

我的任务不简单也不难。
只是需要那大大的勇气。
努力的克服心中的恐惧。
坚持的相信那伟大的爱。

Thursday, December 11, 2014

Beautiful People.

People who truly live out their passions are very, very beautiful.
Those who truly live out themselves.
There's something about them that I can't quite put a finger on yet, something more than just confidence. More than just strength and perseverance and courage in facing and defying and overcoming the odds.

Something ethereal.
Something that can only be seen through their eyes.
Something that is felt deep within us, so much so it wakes up our souls that have been asleep for far too long. And they continue to do so until they manage to stir more souls fully awake, who in turn will eventually do the same for other sleeping souls..

They don't even know it themselves, but they do very clearly feel the joy and exhilaration of going after what means most to their hearts.
Sometimes it feels selfish, devoting all those time and attention and effort to their chosen art (or perhaps, the art that chose them), but no, they (or the world) have no idea how big an impact their work (or they themselves) can be to the world.
Or even, to just one single person.

These people are everywhere, right in our midst in our everyday lives even.
We just need to learn how to recognize them.
And be inspired, constantly, until we too are transformed.

Until we too become one of those beautiful people.
Or perhaps, you already are.

Tuesday, December 9, 2014

同類。

The first time I heard of this term, 同類 (pronounce: tong2 lei4), was when Stefanie Sun's song of the exact same name first came out in 2004, ten years ago.

同類。
Directly translated as "same kind". Sama jenis.

All these years I had associated this term with romantic love, to finding that Mr. Right who would be my 同類 as well. Maybe because of the song and also my slight mental (read: no action) obsession with the act itself.

No luck in that area yet and almost next to the least of all my current priorities too. The focus is on things that are of far more importance to me right now, things that I shouldn't have but have had pitifully neglected.

But I digress.

As I come to embrace my own quirkiness and learn to follow the gentle tuggings of my heart despite the usual hesitations that tend to side with the comfort zone, roads opened. Especially roads that allow others that ride the same thought wavelengths as I do to reach out and connect with me.

In other words, my 同類。

It's an odd feeling altogether. Those times in the past when I would actually have rejected their presence in my life were the times when I didn't accept those parts of mine that were similar with theirs. And yet at the same time back then, I kept thinking to myself why was I so different from the people around me.

The paradoxical nature of life. Or should I say, of being human.

Now I find uttermost delight and comfort as I share with them my innermost thoughts and feelings, because they are the only ones who can really get me! Talking to them also brings out bit by bit of who I really am inside..

You have no idea how joyful and liberating all of that are, especially for someone as eccentric as I am. Admitting even that alone would have been a great challenge for who I was in the past, that insecure girl who constantly doubted herself.

I am happy to be who I've found myself to be now so far, thankfully and finally. It's an ongoing thing, probably neverending but I ain't complainin'.
As I come to acknowledge myself more and more, I know I'll find more of you guys.

Yes, including you.