Friday, September 19, 2014

IT IS PERFECTLY OKAY, OKAY?!

The second half of 2014 is in the middle of its third month now. For me, nothing much has happened really. As with most of anybody else, work occupied a large portion of my time.

Oh I also made time to catch up on chunks of episodes of One Piece, as well as my current favorite reality show from China, "Dad, Where Are We Going?" hehe.

Life has become pretty routinized actually, with some adjustments here and there that included making it a point to do a little housekeeping every weekend, plus taking the effort to learn and make some very, very simple salads.

Yes, I didn't even know how to make salads before =.=

Even though nothing much has happened, I feel vastly different. It's as if I've just been through this growth spurt and suddenly I can see much more clearly now the meaning behind most of the things, especially the people, in my life. My level of awareness has increased it seems; I'm so much more aware of my own thought processes and feelings now than previously.

It's like getting to know myself all over again. For real.

In all actualities, it was not a growth spurt and I didn't reach this level of awareness overnight. There were a lot of factors at play and it took MUCH of my own willingness to sidestep my own ego and eventually (and a lot of times, reluctantly) give in to what's more important instead. Which was in the end amazingly liberating and felt far, far more victorious than winning any petty arguments at all (please do not underestimate the far-reaching effects of petty arguments).

There's still a long way to go, but this time.. I'm not in a hurry.
The pressures will still be there and I'm preparing myself to face the music but no, I'm going at my own speed this time.

Not that I've been rushing myself all this while anyway, I just haven't been taking things easy at all for the past three decades. It SEEMED like I did, but honestly I didn't. I constantly misplaced my priorities, putting my focus on things that don't really matter to me for all the wrong reasons. To make things worse, I too often took things far too seriously and personally for anyone's or anything's good.

I'm pulling everything back and put things right where they belong one by one in my life and in my own time. It was rather slow at first as I began to sort things out for myself, but I believe the speed is gradually picking up bit by bit as I see things that I should've seen much earlier before more clearly now.

My tight financial situation and also my work actually gave me good excuses to keep to myself and do a lot of reflecting mainly on my responsibilities. I had always been a serious person but unfortunately I was not a responsible one.

If I previously found temporary solace in running away from my responsibilities and life's challenges, I now find self-affirming sense of achievement in facing them.
If I previously very much insisted on my sense of entitlement and expectation, I now MAKE myself emphasize on gratitude and service.

Yes, I have to MAKE myself do it because after 30+ years living with the roughly same kind of ideals, the old mentality is kinda stuck in the head.

Sorry if you find me lengthy, this is just how I am and I believe there are people out there who are just like me.
This is my way of shouting out to them: "IT IS PERFECTLY OKAY, OKAY?!"