You know that feeling where you admire another person for the life he or she has been leading so far and wonder what on earth have you yourself achieved up until now?
That empty, sore feeling where you know you could've done more but didn't?
I've had that kind of feeling for as long as I can remember.
I did a brief take on my more than 3 decades of brief life here on earth so far just now, listing out one by one important people, places, events, activities.. Just anything that I can recall.
Consumed by a heavy sense of wistfulness, a sudden wave of nostalgia washed over me, faded memories of the past falling into place once again in my seemingly rusted brain, worn out from overthinking and lack of sleep.
I know it sounds largely sad and emotional, which it actually is and somehow has always been whenever the past is remembered, yet this time there's a touch of gratitude, of thankfulness.. Grateful, and thankful, that I too, have stories to tell, stories to give life to, be it real or imagined.
If there's just one thing I wish I didn't do over and over again, it would be comparing myself with others. My life with their lives.
I wish I was brave enough to seek and live out who I was deep inside.
All that stubbornness and sullen exterior that were so characteristic of me for so long was just a facade for the little child inside who so craved attention from others, she did not realize that if only she herself would pay attention to her heart's silent outcry and did something about it, she would have been far more content and perhaps happier.
I would sometimes imagine a future me peeking from a corner somewhere, observing my every step, taking in my every action with a gentle smile on her face, silently encouraging me when I'm stressed or feeling bad, telling me that it's okay to fall..
She's beautiful, she's someone that I know I would admire.
I am perfectly sane btw, just in case anyone's wondering ahem.
Wistful as it is to me, I don't regret the past for it is part of who I am now. I am not without weaknesses, suffice to say, but I truly cherish the parts of me that I've found so far which I believe have been more or less refined by what I've been through in the past.
Praise the Lord.. =)