Saturday, June 21, 2014

Wistful.

Sunset in the rearview mirror..

You know that feeling where you admire another person for the life he or she has been leading so far and wonder what on earth have you yourself achieved up until now?

That empty, sore feeling where you know you could've done more but didn't?

I've had that kind of feeling for as long as I can remember.

I did a brief take on my more than 3 decades of brief life here on earth so far just now, listing out one by one important people, places, events, activities.. Just anything that I can recall.

Consumed by a heavy sense of wistfulness, a sudden wave of nostalgia washed over me, faded memories of the past falling into place once again in my seemingly rusted brain, worn out from overthinking and lack of sleep.

I know it sounds largely sad and emotional, which it actually is and somehow has always been whenever the past is remembered, yet this time there's a touch of gratitude, of thankfulness.. Grateful, and thankful, that I too, have stories to tell, stories to give life to, be it real or imagined.

If there's just one thing I wish I didn't do over and over again, it would be comparing myself with others. My life with their lives.

I wish I was brave enough to seek and live out who I was deep inside.

All that stubbornness and sullen exterior that were so characteristic of me for so long was just a facade for the little child inside who so craved attention from others, she did not realize that if only she herself would pay attention to her heart's silent outcry and did something about it, she would have been far more content and perhaps happier.

Wouldn't she?

I would sometimes imagine a future me peeking from a corner somewhere, observing my every step, taking in my every action with a gentle smile on her face, silently encouraging me when I'm stressed or feeling bad, telling me that it's okay to fall..

She's beautiful, she's someone that I know I would admire.

I am perfectly sane btw, just in case anyone's wondering ahem.

Wistful as it is to me, I don't regret the past for it is part of who I am now. I am not without weaknesses, suffice to say, but I truly cherish the parts of me that I've found so far which I believe have been more or less refined by what I've been through in the past.

Praise the Lord.. =)

Tuesday, June 17, 2014

Self-Talk #921.
自语 #921。

P/S: Afterthoughts in English continues after the following Chinese (cough) work of art.

123 深呼吸
开始

人 是自私的
我是人
所以 我也是自私的

人 是可望爱的
我是人
所以 我也是可望爱的

人 是矛盾的
我是人
所以 我也是矛盾的

人 是软弱的
我是人
所以 我也是软弱的

人 是会假装的
我是人
所以 我也是会假装的

人 是渴望被理解的
我是人
所以 我也是渴望被理解的

任何人 可以不信任我
唯有我 坚持相信我自己
任何人 可以不顾一切的批评讽刺否定我
唯有我 坚持肯定我自己
任何人 可以不接受我
唯有我 坚持接受我自己

任何人 可以不爱我
唯有我 坚持爱我自己

只要我还活着
什么都有可能

因此

人 可以是慷慨的
我是人
因此 我也可以是慷慨的

人 可以是有爱心的
我是人
因此 我也可以是有爱心的

人 可以是明确的
我是人
因此 我也可以是明确的

人 可以是坚强的
我是人
因此 我也可以是坚强的

人 可以是真诚的
我是人
因此 我也可以是真诚的

人 可以是善解人意的
我是人
因此 我也可以是善解人意的

我 是最了解我自己的人

感恩 所有了解我的人
感恩 所有接受我的人
感恩 所有爱我的人

赞美主!!

123 深呼吸
完毕

Afterthoughts:

To a certain extent, we are all actually quite similar to each other, us humans, without us realizing it most of the time, if not all the time.

We are a selfish bunch with deep longings for love, we are contradictory with what we think or say or do. We are weak when it comes to a whole host of things but we are good at pretending to be the opposite, fooling others and at the same time trying our best to fool ourselves as well. We say we are OK when we are not and yet, we longingly hope that someone would eventually understand.

There are a lot of things about myself that I've had always denied, telling myself that this and that are not acceptable, you better change or you'll never have a better life. I listened to others more than I listened to myself, contrary to what I would prefer to believe, taking advice here and there, expecting myself to behave differently after that and disappointing myself everytime I don't.. I seriously made my own life miserable for myself.

In short, I wasn't there for myself when I needed my own love and support the most.
I think I was busy floating somewhere in the sky.

But I believe, as long as we are still alive, possibilities abound.
Hey come on, we ARE the most intelligent beings on earth! And we have yet to utilize the full potential of our brains!
(aliens do not count yet because it is uncertain whether the real reason they have yet to show themselves is due to fear or strategic planning or both, or maybe they have yet to discover earth)

As weak as I may have made the human race sound to be, I believe in love and hope.

And in having faith, even just a little would be more than good enough.

I believe we can find it in ourselves to be generous and loving instead, when we know for certain that we do make the world a better place, step by step, bit by bit, by our little unselfish acts of love. Patience is key. Results will not be evident in an instant, but it will eventually get there. Real inner strength comes from having both focus and patience to bear the tough times out.

Everything begins with one person.. Me. If I don't know how to sincerely love, understand and be patient with myself first, how will I be capable of sincerely loving, understanding and being patient with another being?

I will forever be craving for love, understanding and patience from another being instead.
I definitely know what I am talking about, no kidding.

That said, I'm honestly thankful for all those who still love and understand me, accepting me for who I am despite having to put up with all my nonsense all this while. I'm not that bad, but being no angel, I can be pretty tough to bear with (cough) sometimes.

Praise the Lord!! =)