Monday, April 14, 2014

给我再去相信的勇气。
Give Me The Courage To Believe Again.

我祈祷拥有一颗透明的心灵 和会流泪的眼睛
I pray for a clear heart, and eyes that cry
给我再去相信的勇气 越过谎言去拥抱你
Give me the courage to believe again, to embrace you beyond lies

每当我找不到存在的意义
Whenever I can't find the meaning of my existence
每当我迷失在黑夜里
Whenever I lose myself in the darkness
夜空中最亮的星 请指引我靠近你
The brightest star in the night sky, please lead me closer to you

Fearlessness is a nonexistent state.

Fear is constant. Like change, ironically.

It takes a courageous one to defy the fear in the mind, heart and soul, knowing very well in the heart why it has to be done, how it is to be done, what needs to be done..
And then take the plunge into the unknown.

That said, my point is.. I'm scared.

To be exact.. I'm seriously terrified out of my wits.

There are these perpetual battles within me, to flee or to stay, to stay or to move.. One moment, oh hey it's the new me, I'm all up and ready to go!! The next moment, oh hi it's the depressed me again, I need time with myself so just leave me alone..

But I know, these are all just part of the process.
Steps that I must take in order to advance to the next checkpoint.
Regardless of all that I may encounter on the way, within or without.

And I also know, real courage comes from within.
For every imaginable or unimaginable fear, there is an equally powerful force, the imaginable or unimaginable courage to act and deliver in spite of the fear.

The question is, which one do I choose to stick with, fear or courage?

The world is changing, so am I.

I give myself, the gift of courage, to believe in myself, again and again.
And again.

May the Lord's will be done.

原唱: 逃跑计划
作曲、填词、编曲: 逃跑计划

夜空中最亮的星 能否听清
The brightest star in the night sky, can you hear
那仰望的人 心底的孤独和叹息
That longing soul's heart's loneliness and sighs

夜空中最亮的星 能否记起
The brightest star in the night sky, can you remember
曾与我同行 消失在风里的身影
The one who once traveled with me, now gone with the wind

我祈祷拥有一颗透明的心灵 和会流泪的眼睛
I pray for a clear heart, and eyes that cry
给我再去相信的勇气 越过谎言去拥抱你
Give me the courage to believe again, to embrace you beyond lies

每当我找不到存在的意义
Whenever I can't find the meaning of my existence
每当我迷失在黑夜里
Whenever I lose myself in the darkness
夜空中最亮的星 请指引我靠近你
The brightest star in the night sky, please lead me closer to you

夜空中最亮的星 是否知道
The brightest star in the night sky, do you know
曾与我同行 的身影如今在哪里
Where is the one who once traveled with me now

夜空中最亮的星 是否在意
The brightest star in the night sky, do you care
是等太阳升起 还是意外先来临
Whether to wait for the sun to rise, or the unexpected would come first

我宁愿所有痛苦都留在心里 也不愿忘记你的眼睛
I'd rather keep all pain in my heart, than to forget your eyes
给我再去相信的勇气 越过谎言去拥抱你
Give me the courage to believe again, to embrace you beyond lies

每当我找不到存在的意义
Whenever I can't find the meaning of my existence
每当我迷失在黑夜里
Whenever I lose myself in the darkness
夜空中最亮的星 请照亮我前行
The brightest star in the night sky, please shine my path ahead

我祈祷拥有一颗透明的心灵 和会流泪的眼睛
I pray for a clear heart, and eyes that cry
给我再去相信的勇气 越过谎言去拥抱你
Give me the courage to believe again, to embrace you beyond lies.

每当我找不到存在的意义
Whenever I can't find the meaning of my existence
每当我迷失在黑夜里
Whenever I lose myself in the darkness
夜空中最亮的星 请照亮我前行
The brightest star in the night sky, please shine my path ahead

夜空中最亮的星 能否听清
The brightest star in the night sky, can you hear
那仰望的人 心底的孤独和叹息
That longing soul's heart's loneliness and sighs

Monday, April 7, 2014

Just Around The Riverbend.

Just around the riverbend..

The final chorus in Disney's Pocahontas song, Just Around The Riverbend, goes like this:

Just around the river bend
Beyond the shore
Somewhere past the sea
Don't know what for
Why do all my dreams extend
Just around the river bend?
Just around the river bend...

I have dreams, things that I want to do. Loads of them in fact, and in all sizes.

Ask me why I want to do all those stuff, I'd probably say oh, I've always liked music, it's a form of expression for me.. I like listening to what people have to say and asking them questions to get to know them more.. I want to have a better life, one with quality.. The list goes on.

I'm yet to find one that truly resonates with what I'm feeling inside. It feels thisclose, seemingly within an arm's reach. Yet it feels like I'm barely touching it.

At the same time, it also feels like something that cannot be understood right away just by touching its surface, something that I would have to grasp with my whole being, mind, body, and soul.. Ah, frustrating!

And paralyzing. I want to have a purpose strong enough to drive me through challenges in any endeavour, but I don't seem to have any, so I give up at the onset of a major one.

I'm quite sure that I'd find most of the things that I'm still seeking now, including that vital purpose, just around that riverbend. After all, pretty much all of my big dreams, the more meaningful ones, extend far beyond that riverbend, some of it past several seas even.

But why, why.. WHY ALL THE WISHY-WASHINESS??

It's like the nervousness cum excitement that I feel before the start of an utterly terrifying yet wittingly exciting ride at a theme park. Part of me badly wants to flee immediately, part of me can't wait to enjoy the whole ride.

And so I'm stuck. I procrastinate until I'm forced to make a decision, which you can guess is, more often than not, an undesirable one because I'm basically tossing coins, following my mood at that instant instead of reasoning out which one would be a better decision, a decision that I fully own and would be responsible for for all results it may produce, good and bad.

It's fear. All sorts of fear, ranging from the unknown to the known (I do not know how my mind came up with this particular sentence, but it makes sense to me.. Man, I love writing!).

I've been listening to Seth Godin's audiobooks, 2 to be exact, Linchpin and Poke The Box. I've been following his blog as well as his interviews and TED/TEDx talks on YouTube (just found out that there are some I missed, bookmarked!). Notwithstanding the irony that he's arguing for people to be artists of their own, to be people of initiative rather than followers waiting for instructions, and me feeling the urge to follow what he is saying.. I feel like I've just been given HUGE knocks on the head.

Ouch.

But the feeling is largely liberating. As if I've been given the OK sign to be me regardless where I go, and to proceed with whatever I have in mind, carry it through and see which works and which does not. Observe and learn from all that, and continue to ruffle feathers and create ruckuses.

Always moving, continuously learning, constantly changing.
Which is totally not who I am now (save for the learning bit), then again who I am now has not always been who I really am inside.

I am a Linchpin. (chewahhh~)

To be safe, we lose our chance of ever knowing

I wonder what's around the riverbend for me.
Well, I won't ever know until I go around it, will I?

What I love most about rivers is
You can't step in the same river twice
The water's always changing, always flowing
But people, I guess, can't live like that
We all must pay a price
To be safe, we lose our chance of ever knowing

What's around the river bend
Waiting just around the river bend
I look once more

Just around the river bend
Beyond the shore
Where the gulls fly free
Don't know what for
What I dream the day might send
Just around the river bend
For me, coming for me

I feel it there beyond those trees
Or right behind these waterfalls
Can I ignore that sound of distant drumming
For a handsome sturdy husband
Who builds handsome sturdy walls
And never dream that something might be coming?

Just around the river bend
Just around the river bend
I look once more

Just around the river bend
Beyond the shore
Somewhere past the sea
Don't know what for
Why do all my dreams extend
Just around the river bend?
Just around the river bend...

Should I choose the smoothest course
Steady as the beating drum?
Should I marry Kocoum?
Is all my dreaming at an end?
Or do you still wait for me, Dream Giver
Just around the river bend?

Thursday, April 3, 2014

我的二姑。My Aunt May.

二姑: "二姑老了。。妳知道二姑幾歲了嗎??"
Aunt May: "Aunt May old oredi.. U know Aunt May how old onot??"

娜: (二姑應該有八十多歲了) "二姑,你永遠都是四十多歲的!!" (失敗,真不會逗人開心 =.=)
Na: (Aunt May should be in her 80s) "Aunt May, you are forever 40++ years old only!!" (epic failure in attempting to make her feel better =.=)

二姑: "二姑真的老了。。眼睛看東西濛濛的,時常忘記東西,要講的東西一下子又忘了要講什麼,太小聲耳朵聽不到。。"
Aunt May: "Aunt May is really old oredi.. Eyes kenot see clear clear, owes forget things, things that I wanna say I oso forget in the blink of an eye, too soft ears kenot hear.."

娜: "二姑,我也時常忘記自己要講的東西啊,不要緊啦,記得才講咯。太小聲我的耳朵也聽不到啊。。" (失敗,本人才三十出頭 =.=)
Na: "Aunt May, I oso owes forget the things that I wanna say, nvm lah, only say when remember lor. Too soft my ears oso kenot hear one.." (super failure, I'm barely 40 =.=)

Aunt May is dad's second eldest sister. My siblings and I call her 'Ni Gu', which is Foochow for 二姑, literally 'Second Aunt'. May is not her real name, let's just say it's an alpha-wordplay on her real name, thought up by the beautiful and creative yours truly hehehehe.

She called up mom two mornings ago to get hold of someone who can fix fridges as her fridge had been rather noisy for about 5 days then, quiet only when the power is off which totally defeats the purpose of having a fridge in the first place. Mom somehow misplaced Mr Sia's number, thus she had only one person to look up.. Me. =D

The efficient me (almost) immediately contacted her. Hehehe.

She did call up several people before she thought of mom. Her younger sister, Aunt Yun (not real name), also my 'San Gu' or 三姑 or 'Third Aunt', recommended one repairman whom Aunt May called on Saturday. Said he could come on Sunday but Aunt May told him she wasn't available, then come Monday, he no longer does repairs. Funny dude.

Nevertheless, she called Mr Sia after I passed her the number and was amused at the slight fact that he didn't answer her calls, yet he answered my mom's calls LOL! (mom helped her call Mr Sia after she told mom of her little dilemma) I believe it's pure coincidence haha =P

After a few more dingdongs between Aunt May, mom and Mr Sia, at long last, Mr Sia finally came to Aunt May's place with his young assistants and helped her out with her fridge. Cost Aunt May only 30 for labor charge, and Mr Sia didn't force Aunt May to replace a broken part but let her call the shot herself instead (she decided to wait and see). A really good repairman with high integrity that one, Mr Sia.

Aunt May has always been a capable and independent woman, from what I've heard from my mom and my mom's mom (my maternal grandma lah). Whenever they mention Aunt May, they always say how capable Aunt May is, such that I can literally hear the notes of admiration in their voices. I've never really asked why, but I do have very vague memories of her little workshop on the ground floor of her house where there were these sewing machines and cloths and threads and sewing pins.. If I'm not mistaken, she was seamstress, a good one it seems, and her family's livelihood depended on this.

I do not really remember what did Ah Dio (Hokkien for uncle), her husband, do for a living. Ah Dio was a very gentle and soft-spoken man, shorter than Aunt May, with a kind, smiley face (a tiny resemblance to 老夫子) =) He passed away one or two years ago, had Aunt May not inadvertently mentioned that halfway through our phone conversation, the insensitive me would've totally forgotten =.= I was in fact a little shocked when she mentioned it, and wondered with a sore heart how did she cope with him not being around anymore..

But she's no homebody, nope. In her 80s, she's still very active, whether it's running her own errands or attending church, she does it all on her own. Including finding a repairman to fix her noisy fridge haha, which she thanked me profusely for a good recommendation. *beam*

Here are some advice she gave me over the phone:

"Oh.. Walking is good! I oso got walk around the house every evening for half an hour one. Must exercise! The older you are, the more important it is for you to do exercise. Only then people will remain young and fit and healthy, right or not?"

"Must go to church, eh no, must believe in God. Anything we need, must pray to God and believe. No believe, no use. I have come across many, many situations where I prayed to God and believed He will help. And He did. God listens and He will do what has to be done."

I remember going to her house with my siblings to play when we were very young. We were fascinated by the toys that she had at her place haha, probably my cousin's or their kids' (dad married late, cousins from dad's side are much older than us, their kids are almost our age), and she had these nice and creative decors which captivated us very much.

Had a total of 3 phone chats with Aunt May these 3 days, for the first 2, I actually interrupted her several times when I wanted to know more about something. She would stop in her tracks and every time she stopped, she would somehow remain quiet, and I thought maybe she was annoyed at my interruptions or something, or maybe she wanted to let me have a say or something. Turned out she was not able to continue what she wanted to say anymore because she has forgotten what she wanted to say. Phone call #3 was a success because I've got the hang of it, I would only interrupt when she's almost done with what she was saying and quickly respond when there was a pause.. Man, I'm good. =P

Perhaps there's more to this than just a case of Aunt May seeking a repairman for a noisy fridge. God is cooking up something here.. aren't You? ;)

And I am to find out what it is. Yoshi!