I have a lot to say. I am physically rather fatigued, but the mind is racing with myriads of thoughts, ideas and excitement. I am used to spending hours to come up with a blog post that I am satisfied with, tonight though.. The perfectionist in me gives in, a little.
I feel like I am thisclose to kick-starting a number of personal projects. The elements holding me back are the usual suspects, the primary one being fear. Not to elaborate on ANY of them because I want to put my WHOLE mind on two words:
There are several habits that I instill to make sure I know where I am, where am I heading and where have I been. Vital checkpoints of reference so that I am constantly reminded of the whys and whats of what I am doing. To go with mood is OK, provided it serves the purpose of enhancing the creativity process. Otherwise, discipline comes first.
Plan, to have a good, solid idea of what I want to achieve tomorrow, next week, next year, the next 3 years.. the next 10 years. Journaling, to get my thoughts out of my head, of my whys, of what I have seen, heard, felt and experienced that day, of how to do better and of acknowledging my talents, skills and good deeds. Total, blunt honesty.
To have faith in myself. God did not put me on the face of this earth just for the sake of it.
"Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again but expecting different results."
I am beginning to see how my old ways of thinking and going about things have been affecting my results and subsequently the sh*tty feelings that bombard me, making me feel utterly useless.. I also see how changing the way I think as well as doing things differently (think Tigger) can totally change my feelings and perceptions towards a lot of things, even the ones that I do not favor.
For instance, reaching the office at 8 in the morning instead of 2 1/2 hours later.
The time shows 2.43 a.m. now. Still possible.
I have been hearing this in my mind for a few months now (since the end of last year I think), "Grace, I love you." or "良娜，我爱你". My very close friend and I reached a mutual agreement that it's from God. Hers goes like this, "Be patient."
Everytime I hear mine, a natural smile carves itself on my face and my heart feels very warm and touched, allowing my whole being to feel that there is at least one person out there who really loves me for who I am, not what I do. I sometimes even feel like crying, especially when I am down.
I end with another quote:
"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others." - Marianne Williamson, A Return To Love: Reflections on the Principles of A Course in Miracles