Thursday, May 16, 2013

Free-flow Thoughts #1.

I have a lot to say. I am physically rather fatigued, but the mind is racing with myriads of thoughts, ideas and excitement. I am used to spending hours to come up with a blog post that I am satisfied with, tonight though.. The perfectionist in me gives in, a little.

I feel like I am thisclose to kick-starting a number of personal projects. The elements holding me back are the usual suspects, the primary one being fear. Not to elaborate on ANY of them because I want to put my WHOLE mind on two words:

I CAN.

There are several habits that I instill to make sure I know where I am, where am I heading and where have I been. Vital checkpoints of reference so that I am constantly reminded of the whys and whats of what I am doing. To go with mood is OK, provided it serves the purpose of enhancing the creativity process. Otherwise, discipline comes first.

Plan, to have a good, solid idea of what I want to achieve tomorrow, next week, next year, the next 3 years.. the next 10 years. Journaling, to get my thoughts out of my head, of my whys, of what I have seen, heard, felt and experienced that day, of how to do better and of acknowledging my talents, skills and good deeds. Total, blunt honesty.

To have faith in myself. God did not put me on the face of this earth just for the sake of it.

"Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again but expecting different results."

I am beginning to see how my old ways of thinking and going about things have been affecting my results and subsequently the sh*tty feelings that bombard me, making me feel utterly useless.. I also see how changing the way I think as well as doing things differently (think Tigger) can totally change my feelings and perceptions towards a lot of things, even the ones that I do not favor.

For instance, reaching the office at 8 in the morning instead of 2 1/2 hours later.

The time shows 2.43 a.m. now. Still possible.

I have been hearing this in my mind for a few months now (since the end of last year I think), "Grace, I love you." or "良娜,我爱你". My very close friend and I reached a mutual agreement that it's from God. Hers goes like this, "Be patient."

Everytime I hear mine, a natural smile carves itself on my face and my heart feels very warm and touched, allowing my whole being to feel that there is at least one person out there who really loves me for who I am, not what I do. I sometimes even feel like crying, especially when I am down.

I end with another quote:

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others." - Marianne Williamson, A Return To Love: Reflections on the Principles of A Course in Miracles

Thursday, April 4, 2013

Living To Die, Dying To Live.

Originally published at f5bulous.com, a site featuring insights on different facets of life by 5 brilliant ladies, I managed to squeeze out this piece after relentlessly scouting my mind for a meaningful subject to ponder on. It's my very first guest post and I'm mighty proud of it. Most importantly, I enjoyed every second I spent working on it.

Beginning of one or two weeks ago, the stork was working rather hard. 3 healthy baby boys were born to 3 different happy couples that I know. Bliss and joy tickled the heart as I pored over pictures of the little ones, thankful that all were fine.

The angel of death, however, was not to be left behind. He took away a 14-year-old boy of a Facebook friend's friend not long after. A sore aftertaste ensued, as I clicked to view the pictures he posted of his son. A fine-looking, fun-loving young man.

Thus is the intriguing cycle of life.

To live is to die, to die is to live.

Some of us long to live, even though the time to go has come.
Some of us long to die, even though there are still reasons to stay.. as seemingly non-existent as they can be.

Happy and lucky are the ones who know how to let go when it's time to let go.
Joyful and fortunate are the ones who persist and are adamant to make the best out of their lives, even when everything seems to go wrong.

I've been contemplating (when am I not?).

For years I've been bogged down by several questions on life. One, in particular, stands out rather strikingly as it surfaces the sea of orphan thoughts in my largely disconnected mind every now and then - what do I want?

Looking everywhere for something meaningful to be called a purpose, I unforgivably overlooked one very crucial element - I conveniently ignored the fact that I had hardly ever lived. I remained mostly in my shell, breaking the darn thing once in a while for a few dashes of thrills, then mending it back, hid in it, over and over again.

A classic introvert.

One consolation, nevertheless, would be that that darn shell - either broken a few times too many or I do a really bad job at mending it back everytime - is finally, thankfully, crumbling.

Living to die, to live our lives as if we're going to die anytime soon. The pessimist in me used to think that this would give one the wrong idea that one would have the license to do anything one's heart wishes, usually with implications of greed. Rather, having read an article on this quite a long time ago, it actually reflects more on our latent yet ironically most inexplicably fervent desires to have a kind of everlasting connection with at least one other being, be it family, friends, or even strangers. Perhaps even other living beings such as animals, trees or flowers, you name it.

To leave a legacy perhaps, tiny or insignificant as it may be.
Then again, more often than not, we underestimate the effect that we actually have on each other's lives.

Dying to live, to let parts of us die off in order to allow our true better selves to eventually emerge. We are creatures of habit and environment which are, more often than not, quite limiting and discouraging. Most of us go through life not knowing that we are actually capable of things that are bigger and mightier than we ourselves can ever imagine. This refers not to the materialistic accumulation of wealth, fame and power, but rather the stark realization and maximization of the intrinsic values, talents and skills so deeply ingrained yet ironically considerably latent inside most of us that would mean so much more to us and even to the rest of the world, if only we came into the world with these included as instructions.

But for unknown reasons, that was not to be.
As such, in order to continuously discover new elements about ourselves, change is truly inevitable. As the saying goes, we can't expect different results when we are still doing the same thing over and over again.

Old habits must die in order to make way for new ones.

I've been experiencing quite a bit of the dying-to-live part for quite some time now, both willingly and reluctantly. And I must say it's been liberating so far, realizing that I'm able to do things that I previously thought were impossible for me. Although these changes are considerably small by most human standards, I give myself good pats on the back nonetheless as encouragements to do better. There are still a lot of work to be done but instead of looking at myself as a failure like how I used to in the past, I see them as healthy challenges to overcome and ultimately allowing me to be the person that I was meant to be in the first place while continuously challenging myself with possibilities that I know I can and am meant to achieve.

The cycle continues.. =)

Sunday, February 10, 2013

February The 9th.

'Twas the day yours truly was born, some decades ago.

And the first thing I did in the wee hours of the morning was to call up a local bank's customer service to ask why wasn't my credit card's annual fee waived because if I remembered correctly, it was already waived few years back?

Turned out that I remembered incorrectly. Goodbye RM3.95 (charged monthly, waived only if swiped twice in a month, which is why it can't be waived in its entirety, the irony).

Anneeway.

So it was my birthday. Of course, being the contemplative me, other than New Year's eve, this is the one other day that I seriously contemplate (make that lament..) on how my life has played out thus far. Although my life is yet to be an inspiring one, the little spark that I mentioned earlier has been growing, obstacles notwithstanding.

I've never felt more aware and surer of myself before, and it isn't as scary as I thought it might be. Things that used to bother me in the past no longer bother me as much, as I strive to find purpose in searching out possibilities.. my possibilities. The road has been rough, mainly due to my own reluctance in facing unfamiliar situations, or in changing the way I react to familiar situations, especially situations that involve beings from my own species, the Homo sapiens namely.

Humans are the most complicated beings on earth, perhaps that's why some people resort to getting pets instead of getting married. *cough*

Of course, there is still a long way to go especially when learning itself is a lifelong process. I still have countless webs of confusing thoughts as well as doubts in my head, but I'm learning to take things one step at a time. Believe me, this is par-ti-cu-lar-ly difficult for me as I have the attention of that of a child. I would start something and barely awhile into the task at hand, I get bored and my attention usually gets diverted by something else.

Which I think explains why I have trouble finishing off things that I want to do, especially things that I have to do. *sweat*

This year, February 9th coincides with the eve of the Lunar New Year, hence the whole town inadvertently celebrated my precious day as well, as we ushered in the Year of the Water Snake this year. I watched and recorded the fireworks with much delight, smiling to myself, revelling in my own imagination and crossing fingers that one day, my biggest dream of all may come true. Ah, happiness!

My birthday wishes for this year, mainly for good health for me and my loved ones, and also for me to pull off something different but meaningful this year for myself, hopefully with God's grace (I am, after all, a namesake, ahem). Nevertheless, may His will be done =)

Happy BELATED birthday to me!!
(got caught up in making Lunar New Year decorations using red packets on the day itself, didn't manage to finish off this post)