Perhaps it's the lack of sleep, perhaps it's PMS, or perhaps it's a reminder that I still have much to see and learn..
I lost it again. Another breakdown.. Less conspicuous, but still a breakdown nonetheless.
I couldn't, for the life of me, fathom why was I so upset over such. a. small. thing. I was angry, downright mad. Abnormally disappointed even.
I can blame it on the person, heck I even complained to my friend about it. I blasted my ears with rock music in a vain attempt to let out my frustrations that ironically made me fall asleep and worsened the matter instead. I tried to type as hard as I can on the keyboard to exhibit how resentful I was feeling inside which proved futile as I was trying to avoid typos at the same time.
I can hold the whole world responsible for what I was feeling, yet that too wouldn't have made any difference at all.. Heck I'd be lucky if all those didn't make me feel even worse!
Beneath all that, deep down inside.. I was actually angry with myself.
I was still angry with myself. I, most probably, still am.
As much as I would like to find fault with anyone when something unpleasant happens, I'd often end up blaming myself instead. And I think, as far as the uncharted rules of judgementalism go, this is largely due to the unofficial fact that when we judge someone, we can actually find reflections of ourselves in there somewhere too.
If in the past I was the selfish, stubborn, unreasonable, self-righteously proud control freak and admonisher and made my siblings' lives miserable, I am now on the receiving end instead, albeit on a much, much milder level, phew.. One may also call it karma, but I'm thankful, for if not for these little eye-opening lessons, I wouldn't have realized how unbearable I actually was.
I've forgiven and I will learn to forgive myself too..
"Genius. Strong. Happy."
These were among the first 3 words that I saw in a letter maze image that's currently actively being shared on Facebook. Supposedly the first 3 words that one sees actually describe oneself to a certain extent.. While I don't particularly feel like a genius or strong or happy most of the time, I hope to see these attributes in people around me myself. As often as I can.
Perhaps then, I'd realize that I am too, a genius, strong.. And happy.