I've come to this eureka-ish realization that I've been putting a lot of unnecessary, nerve-wrecking stress on myself all this while (all these years actually..), expecting too much from myself such that I end up doing virtually nothing in just about everything that's, well, important.
Especially in things that actually mean a lot to my own very self.
Come to think of it, I'd always somehow had this notion of turning my interests into money-generating vehicles, my paths to my eventual financial freedom.. To the point that I absolutely neglected the fact that I was supposed to enjoy doing what I love instead of being, especially, so mentally bent on making money out of it.
Yes, mentally. The great or well-financed me had largely stayed in my fantasies because I was too numbed by all my imaginary pressures to actually do anything about what I really loved doing. And I feared so many things imaginable, which inconveniently included success itself.
I too feared failures and rejections so much so I kept giving myself excuses not to work on my interests, be it for the sake of real, pure joy.. Or even just for the money. I kept thinking I needed more time to get myself ready when the most realistic way to move ahead had always been.. "Just do it."
I made my life very miserable for myself. I was comfortable but I was not happy.. Very not happy. I was inherently depressed. I would suddenly break into tears, wondering why was I so useless and stupid. Why was I so lazy and procrastinated so much. And then I would continue numbing myself. The vicious, self-deprecating cycle kept repeating itself again and again.
How come I never learn, I thought to myself woefully each time.
I think I hated myself for that too, amongst various other reasons.
My life, I'd often thought of myself as a failure. For the most part of it, it was mostly because I didn't dare to live myself out. I prided myself on thinking that I did.. But I didn't, fear drove me to hide myself behind shrouds of arrogance and selfishness instead. I, unwittingly, chose to be lonely..
I never did quite achieved anything meaningful for myself. I was forever craving for acknowledgement and recognition from others without even realizing it. I wanted to be like him, I wanted to have what she has, I wanted to know what he knows, I wanted.. It never really ended, this misconstrued feeling of some sort of admiration which in actuality was envy instead. It never really ended, this cowardice, this solemn fear of not being accepted.
The beginning of the end must start somewhere.
And it already has.