Wednesday, November 7, 2012

That Little Spark.

I feel vastly different.

It's as if a tiny spark has been ignited in me, finally providing me bits of inquisitive insights on how things actually work beyond my world.

I've always felt that there's this huge gap between what goes on my mind and what the rest of the world have on their minds. I still do, but this time I'm finally learning to accept the differences, so to speak. It sounds easy but when put into practice, let's just say there are quite a bit of considerations involved, mostly my own willingness to change how I choose to respond.

Other than that, I've started to learn to accept my own unique self too. I finally see that I too have my own special set of beliefs, traits and passions that I should love and respect, instead of succumbing to the views of the rest of the world who might actually think that those are all special nothings. Again, the temptation to give in is great, but I've managed to go against my usual norm in more than a few occasions so far and I must say, the feeling is indeed very liberating.

Then there are the grey areas, of course, of which if I overstepped some of them too much, it might well be the end of me.

Or not.

This tiny little spark, I hope it continues to light my way in my path of life. While the gradually increasing amount of awareness can be a bit overwhelming and slightly intimidating even, I heartily appreciate everything that I've come to know, understand and accept so far, and I'm looking forward to more.

Thank you, Lord, for Your tireless guidance and especially for Your unrelenting love and patience, which are what I really need. Sorry for straying away for quite some time now.. I don't know when I'll be back but I believe You have always been there for me, guiding me and loving me, and always will be; for that I am deeply grateful to You. Thank You so, so much.

Tuesday, August 28, 2012

Just Do It ALREADY!

This has been a persistent, recurring theme since the beginning of the year.

First it was a friend. Then there were the personal growth sites. Speakers at a recent book fair were next and today, my siblings. If words were arrows, I could have died. Serious.

I'm one of those common uncommon people that think too much and do too little. If any.

Why wouldn't I "just do it"?

Let's see. Fears, check. Perfectionism, check. Procrastination, check.

I just googled, the next P would be for PARALYSIS. Not something I would deny, in fact, it's a far more familiar theme than the title itself. But the nagging feeling that something was amiss was always there no matter how hard I consciously or unconsciously continued to numb myself, telling myself that I was happy with my life. That I was satisfied with what I have.

An empty shell, to be exact. No one can ever be happy or satisfied with an unfulfilling life.. Who was I trying to kid???

Oh yeah, me.

So what am I going to do now?

No way am I going to tell anyone what am I up to anymore. After several failed attempts to act after declaring my, uh, aspirations to the world, I've come to the conclusion that one advice doesn't really fit all. I've had friends, a good friend's sister even, asking me what happened to a particular ambitious dream of mine, to which I just smiled and shrugged off with the plainest of answers, "I've given up."

Astonishingly p-a-t-h-e-t-i-c. Unbelievably D-I-S-A-P-P-O-I-N-T-I-N-G.

Plus, the more people posed me questions, the faster I gave up. There are reasons (or excuses, if you must) why, of course, but the main thing was because I was very, very unsure of myself. Still, I shouldn't have given up so easily.

For so many times summor!

But that's me. And thus, with all those, ahem, wisdom in mind, I've decided to keep mum on what I'm going to do next. If anyone out there actually do care, just be patient and understanding with me, that's all I ask.

Or, just ignore me.
(until I come and bug you till the cows come home for any particular reason whatsoever)

Friday, August 17, 2012

This Is The Present.

The present.
cherishing the time we spend together

Hiked a small hill with a group of new friends in the wee hours of the morning the other day, hoping to catch the sunrise. Small as it is, the hill had 3 peaks. The above picture was taken by yours truly as we were closing in on the first peak, half-wishing that someone would take such a picture of me and my closest friends as well..

Then again, they don't really do hiking.

It was breezy up there on the peaks. A soft wind was blowing every now and then. Tempted to think (read: worry) about my future as usual, I allowed myself to feel the cool air on my face with eyes closed and mind freed of all senseless anxieties instead.. To just feel the present in its entirety.

It was a very peaceful feeling.

The hill's actually a very popular hiking spot due to its low difficulty as well as beautiful views up above and down below, so we weren't exactly the only ones up there. Nevertheless, a part of the sereneness somehow remains despite the extra man-made noises as some of us sat down quietly to take in all the magnificence that still nothing else can offer but nature itself.

Basking in nothing else but the present.

The present. The now.

"My future is created today, not tomorrow." I came across this in a Robert Kiyosaki book, which he uses to remind himself to take a little time from each day and utilise that time to create the kind of future he wants. Maybe earn an extra 10 dollar doing a little more something, exercise an extra 15 minutes running a little more distance, read an extra chapter learning a little more knowledge.. For tomorrow.

While it's subject to a healthy amount of debate, I find it rather inspiring.

Instead of somehow repeatedly reminding myself to forgive myself for my dull and selfish past by constantly reflecting on and apologising for what I did and didn't do, or even what others did and didn't do for that matter, I put my past behind me and strive to put my focus on my present, on what I can do to make things so much more meaningful from now on.

Instead of keep worrying and numbing myself over how will I ever achieve my dreams which include getting myself out of my seemingly constant dismal financial situation, I put my future in front of me and strive to put my focus on my present, on what I can do to make myself come alive and ready to take on significant challenges ahead fearlessly.

This is, and will be, the most wonderful present from me to myself, and my loved ones, for a very, very long time.

Friday, July 6, 2012

The Me In You.

Perhaps it's the lack of sleep, perhaps it's PMS, or perhaps it's a reminder that I still have much to see and learn..

I lost it again. Another breakdown.. Less conspicuous, but still a breakdown nonetheless.

I couldn't, for the life of me, fathom why was I so upset over such. a. small. thing. I was angry, downright mad. Abnormally disappointed even.

I can blame it on the person, heck I even complained to my friend about it. I blasted my ears with rock music in a vain attempt to let out my frustrations that ironically made me fall asleep and worsened the matter instead. I tried to type as hard as I can on the keyboard to exhibit how resentful I was feeling inside which proved futile as I was trying to avoid typos at the same time.

I can hold the whole world responsible for what I was feeling, yet that too wouldn't have made any difference at all.. Heck I'd be lucky if all those didn't make me feel even worse!

Beneath all that, deep down inside.. I was actually angry with myself.

I was still angry with myself. I, most probably, still am.

As much as I would like to find fault with anyone when something unpleasant happens, I'd often end up blaming myself instead. And I think, as far as the uncharted rules of judgementalism go, this is largely due to the unofficial fact that when we judge someone, we can actually find reflections of ourselves in there somewhere too.

If in the past I was the selfish, stubborn, unreasonable, self-righteously proud control freak and admonisher and made my siblings' lives miserable, I am now on the receiving end instead, albeit on a much, much milder level, phew.. One may also call it karma, but I'm thankful, for if not for these little eye-opening lessons, I wouldn't have realized how unbearable I actually was.

Sigh.

I've forgiven and I will learn to forgive myself too..

"Genius. Strong. Happy."

These were among the first 3 words that I saw in a letter maze image that's currently actively being shared on Facebook. Supposedly the first 3 words that one sees actually describe oneself to a certain extent.. While I don't particularly feel like a genius or strong or happy most of the time, I hope to see these attributes in people around me myself. As often as I can.

Perhaps then, I'd realize that I am too, a genius, strong.. And happy.

Friday, June 22, 2012

The Beginning Of The End.

I've come to this eureka-ish realization that I've been putting a lot of unnecessary, nerve-wrecking stress on myself all this while (all these years actually..), expecting too much from myself such that I end up doing virtually nothing in just about everything that's, well, important.

Especially in things that actually mean a lot to my own very self.

Come to think of it, I'd always somehow had this notion of turning my interests into money-generating vehicles, my paths to my eventual financial freedom.. To the point that I absolutely neglected the fact that I was supposed to enjoy doing what I love instead of being, especially, so mentally bent on making money out of it.

Yes, mentally. The great or well-financed me had largely stayed in my fantasies because I was too numbed by all my imaginary pressures to actually do anything about what I really loved doing. And I feared so many things imaginable, which inconveniently included success itself.

I too feared failures and rejections so much so I kept giving myself excuses not to work on my interests, be it for the sake of real, pure joy.. Or even just for the money. I kept thinking I needed more time to get myself ready when the most realistic way to move ahead had always been.. "Just do it."

I made my life very miserable for myself. I was comfortable but I was not happy.. Very not happy. I was inherently depressed. I would suddenly break into tears, wondering why was I so useless and stupid. Why was I so lazy and procrastinated so much. And then I would continue numbing myself. The vicious, self-deprecating cycle kept repeating itself again and again.

How come I never learn, I thought to myself woefully each time.

I think I hated myself for that too, amongst various other reasons.

My life, I'd often thought of myself as a failure. For the most part of it, it was mostly because I didn't dare to live myself out. I prided myself on thinking that I did.. But I didn't, fear drove me to hide myself behind shrouds of arrogance and selfishness instead. I, unwittingly, chose to be lonely..

I never did quite achieved anything meaningful for myself. I was forever craving for acknowledgement and recognition from others without even realizing it. I wanted to be like him, I wanted to have what she has, I wanted to know what he knows, I wanted.. It never really ended, this misconstrued feeling of some sort of admiration which in actuality was envy instead. It never really ended, this cowardice, this solemn fear of not being accepted.

The beginning of the end must start somewhere.

And it already has.

Thursday, May 31, 2012

烂。借。口。

“我一直以来都是这个样子。”

世界上最烂的借口。

也是本人最爱用的。烂。借。口。

Monday, May 21, 2012

Sleep.

Very, very fatigued and sleepy.

This seemingly invalid mental stress that I'm putting on myself is taking a toll on my health, both mentally and physically. Broke down at least twice at work today, dark circles around the eyes more obvious than usual. Not mentioning all the on-the-job sleeping.

Lately, there seem to be a lot going on in my life. Little heartaches, but big enough to jolt me awake from several layers of imaginations and what-ifs. Rejections from various sources, be it justifiable or not, are leaving hurtful but proud scar-like markings in my almost-immaculate scroll of life as I learn to rightly deal with each one of them.

There's still plenty from where all those came from. Am anticipating more, from new sources even, and I know I can handle all of them provided I don't compromise my sleeping hours anymore as it compromises my mental alertness. And sanity.

A good night's sleep is very, very important.

Good night.