Thursday, July 7, 2011

One More Day.

Before I leave home for the big city again. Almost two, to be exact.

Am back for holidays, so it's been pretty easy-going, with LOTS of dawdling around the house. Definitely more than usual.

Ah well.

I shall miss the luxury, sigh. Still, 9 days of that is just good enough, before mushrooms start growing on me and I forget that I actually need to work.

It felt funny at first, home. Maybe because I've been away for the longest period of time so far, or maybe it was just the PMS. It made me feel weird and a little lost, feelings that somehowsomewaysometimes define me but also feelings that I am so not fond of.

Or maybe it's the clean bedsheet and blanket and pillows, sure feels good to FINALLY have those after putting off bed-stuff cleaning for the longest period of time so much so I ended up sleeping in a chair, the kind of office chair with an adjustable high back, for weeks before I came back.

Anneeway.

All those went away eventually and I started to enjoy all the extra time I had. Heaven on earth.

Been making sure that I spend time with my parents, who are actually pretty homebody-ish people themselves, to my delight =.= Nothing much really, just lots of chatting and listening basically. Was too lazy to do chores most of the time - not that I didn't help out, just not as often as I thought I would - so yeah, just lots of chatting and listening =.=

I'll miss them.

I've been somewhat tormenting myself with morbid thoughts of either of them passing over, you know, to the other side. It's a devastatingly sad feeling.. I just wish I didn't take things for granted as much as I still do.

Arrrrghhhh.

Been catching up with some friends as well. Just some, because making myself go out the door takes quite a bit of persuasion.. me, persuading myself.. yeah, go figure.

Okay, it's more like going against the lazy me, winning some and losing some. Same with everything else actually, including the chores.

Am glad, though, that I did manage to drag myself to meet up with some of the old friends. Exchanging updates, reminiscing the old times, sharing experiences, stories and thoughts.. While I don't trust my brain to remember the details (slowly vaporising with each ticking second), I do cherish the time spent with them. I wish I could push myself to meet more, but this is the best that I can MANAGE for now =.=

I particularly enjoy the heart-to-heart chats, which made the time spent even more worthwhile. And apparently, I appear to be more able to express myself this time, surprising myself also. I'm quite sure it's a recent thing but I'm not very sure whether it's because I'm home or if it's here to stay, much less improve. But I admit to feeling a LITTLE different confidence-wise, like I'm not that afraid to speak out what I think or something. Like I'm able to describe things that are relevant to me instead of going blank and conveniently brushing them away with a dunno as I've always did. It's nothing big, but it seems to be the LITTLE start of a maybe-big something..

Time will tell.

So, one more day. Big city, I'll be back soon.

Thursday, June 23, 2011

It Is Short.

Life.

Despite knowing that and somehow keeping that fact adrift in some corner of my rusty brain, I waste my time like it's nobody's business, like I've plenty of tomorrows to play catch up with.

Oh well.

I admire those who know what to do with their lives and even if they don't, they go about exploring the unknown world out there anyway, you know, just go and do 'em stuff. I, on the other hand, still don't have the faintest idea of what do I want from this mere existence of mine (and also what God has in plan for me as I'm far too occupied with my own thoughts to honestly listen to Him =.=), and.. let's just say I'm too 'careful' for my own good, so to speak.

If it's any consolation, my list of things that I don't want to be or do is growing steadily. But nah, it's hardly any comfort, if only a little.

Steve Jobs said, "...I'm convinced that the only thing that kept me going was that I loved what I did. You've got to find what you love. And that is as true for your work as it is for your lovers. Your work is going to fill a large part of your life, and the only way to be truly satisfied is to do what you believe is great work. And the only way to do great work is to love what you do. If you haven't found it yet, keep looking. Don't settle. As with all matters of the heart, you'll know when you find it. And, like any great relationship, it just gets better and better as the years roll on. So keep looking until you find it. Don't settle..."

This is what I'm trying to hang on to lately. To keep me sane, primarily.

Perhaps, one day I'd find that I actually do not want anything at all. That the now me is actually good enough, happy enough. That this is what God wants for me after all.

Yeah right. I wouldn't be in this dark, confused state of mind if that's really the case.

I've been having a lot of thoughts of my family recently and I'm kind of having this itsy-bitsy longing to move back home to be with my parents especially. Well, that's not happening anytime soon, so.. I'm still one anything-but-filial daughter. Shame, shameee on me.

Life is definitely short, time does fly like it's nobody's business (which, of course, is everyone's business because.. we ALWAYS need more time!! =.=). How I wish I wouldn't take it for granted so, so much.

Thursday, June 9, 2011

Creatures Of The Dark.

If Meredith Grey's dark and twisty, then I'm dark and broody.

*pardon the comparison, am heavily into american drama series and movies lately, love the punchlines to bits!*

Sometimes, I do wonder what kind of person would I be if I didn't have my faith rooted in Catholicism. Even so, I still find myself lost in undesirable thoughts that scare and disgust even myself, which often see me end up praying that they happen to no one, no one, at all.

Sometimes, I too wonder, why am I not a sunny person by nature. I don't always veer to the bad side of things when stuff happens, but sometimes, there's something inside that stops me from feeling all bright and delighted when, say, someone tells a joke that's not so funny.

Wait. That's normal, duh.

I'm bad with examples, so.. However, while I prefer to dwell in the darker side of things, literally and metaphorically, not out of my own free will sometimes even though most of the time it is, I always take delight in having a little light. Not the bright, whitish kind, rather, the mellow, yellowish kind.

Maybe that's why I'm not so sunny to begin with. Or is it the other way round?

Nevertheless, there are too darkish souls out there who love the bright, whitish lights, so the theories don't quite hold. Wonder what made them dark and whatever-they-are.

You know what, I think I'm going to get those mellow, yellowish lights for my own place one day, when I can afford a my-own-place. Every single one of them lights.

... ... ...

Okay, okay, I'll throw in one or two bright, whitish ones, duh.

Am smitten with this song right now:

Lyrics and translation here.

It feels sad, this song, but there's some kind of beauty in it that managed to capture something in the heart..

There seems to be this kind of longing in me, but I can't put a finger on it.. yet.