Sunday, June 21, 2015

Productive Life.. ?

Life has been pretty hectic especially for the last few weeks, both work and home.
本人从未如此认真努力过,I've never been so seriously industrious before.

I know not whether to laugh or cry at that last statement.
(Or maybe I have but am truly, hopelessly hopeless at recalling things now. Yes, dire lack of sleep.)

Work occupied a large portion of my time for a couple of weeks now, more responsibilities and higher expectations (my own included). Asserting myself, raising enquiries when there are doubts, observing and adjusting to how my teammates work while not losing myself in that process, a very crucial point.. A lot of self-love taking place, the kind where you know what's REALLY important to you regardless of what others may or may not think.

On the home front, I have been spring-cleaning the kitchen for a number of weekends. One of my sisters moved back to our hometown (to reset her life) and generously showered me and another sister with some of the stuff she's 'collected' over the years as she lived in the big city (she never foresaw her own move back to hometown, it was an impromptu decision) (never hoard things, you'll totally regret it when you move!). And so yours truly grabbed this golden opportunity to clean up the house once and for all, beginning with the kitchen..

The kitchen is finally a kitchen. I am so proud of myself wei!
Next: the living room + my own room a.k.a makeshift storerooms.
I estimate 10 weekends =.=

The only real reason it took me so long: procrastination.
I hate cleaning up, couple that with deciding which to throw or give, which to keep, where to clean first, where to put what.. The kitchen had been in that hopeless state for YEARS wei!

What do I do whenever I'm stuck? Yes, procrastinate =.=

With all that finally done, I'm totally bushed.

Do I feel productive and somewhat good? Yes, I do.
Do I feel true to myself? No, I don't.

Even when I have those small windows of time to do the things that I really wanna do (especially when I'm procrastinating, cough), I just can't bring myself to do any of them. This makes me feel really, really disoriented because hey, I'm spending so much time doing things that I do not happen to really enjoy and yet when it comes to things that would light up my whole being, I stop dead in my tracks.

Funny huh?

Just go and do it lah, I'd used to automatically say to anyone else who has the same problem.
Incredibly insensitive.
If the problem could be solved so easily, procrastination would no longer exist.

But all are not lost, the confidence and skills I'm building up doing things that I do not happen to really enjoy are becoming great inner pillars of strength for me to border on while I figure out how to push myself to do the work that really matters.

Prayers, I have been very, very diligent in saying my prayers.
Best thing that I've done for myself in my whole 34 years of life now, my whole spiritual being is constantly being molded as I persevere in praying the Rosary and the Novena of the Divine Mercy every. single. day.

I started watching Catholic Youtube videos to know more about my faith after realizing how shallow my own faith was when a friend got embroiled in some matters of the spiritual world.
I've never been so thankful to have been born a Catholic before.

Growing older does things to you, depending on the values you knowingly or unknowingly hold on to.
Things that used to matter, crushes, (dreaming of) getting filthy rich and famous, what others may or may not think about how things are done.. They all seem so trivial now.
The things that matter now, family, faith, life's purpose.. You know you can do much better than what you're doing now but life has it's mystical way of humbling you, telling you to take your steps one at a time.
And have faith.

New challenges are coming in already as the 3rd quarter of 2015 comes rolling around.
The real challenge is in adjusting what goes on in my mind as I face each of them one by one, whether I'm ready or not.

Saturday, March 28, 2015

我的秘密。
My Secrets.

不跟你说。
Ain't telling 'ya.

目前生命中最关键的两个奥秘:
(1)他会是谁,
(2)我的最伟大的梦想是什么。
Two key mysteries in my life right now:
(1) Who could be my soulmate,
(2) What is my greatest dream.

只有我自己知道。还有天主。
It's between me and God and nobody else.

我的任性与顽强是我的强项,同时也是我的死穴。
The wayward and tenacious strands in me are my strengths, yet also the bane of my existence.

我心里面有着巨大的恐惧,那讨人厌的恐惧。
I have immense fear in me, that despicable fear.

竟然没办法把它赶走还必须与它共存,只好把这可恶的肤浅的怪兽好好的驯服起来。
Can't live with it, can't live without it, can only domesticate this little abominable, superficial monster.

祂说:“不要害怕,因为我与你同在。。”
(依 41:10)
He said: "Do not fear, for I am with you.."
(Isaiah 41:10)

有着如此伟大的祂,渺小的我还需要什么呢。
With Him, all is enough for this little drop in the vast ocean.

Sunday, March 22, 2015

It Gets Scary.

It gets scary when you try to make changes in your life.
You're scared if you'll lose your friends.
You're scared if you'll get criticised.
There'll always be those wretched still moments when you don't know whether they accept or reject you.
If they accept you, you'll heave a big sigh of relief.
If they don't, you'll brace yourself for the gunfire.
Or the resulting deafening silence, so quiet that you could hear a pin drop.
But oh the adrenaline rush when you're going after what you're meant to do!
That happiness in your heart that makes you literally fly.
And smile all day long =)

If only you get past that fear in the first place.
If only you could just focus and thrive on doing what matters most.
Instead of what's comfortable.

Saturday, March 21, 2015

时间到了的时候,这一次,我准备好了吗?

刚看完王力宏的一个六年前的访问,终于感受到了他的亲切与热忱。
他真的是一个完完全全热爱音乐,热爱他的工作的人啊!

It's hard not to envy him, for all the obvious reasons.
Everything about him is so perfect, gosh!
But what inspires me most now is his passion for what he is doing.

他就是那么的纯真,这很难得,身为艺术家兼艺人的他肯定是一个想很多的人。
但我欣赏的是,居然是巨星他依然保持一种对生活的坦然,直接。
这个人会红到这么多人真心喜欢听他的看他的不是没理由的。

And so I thought to myself.
I seriously envy that level of passion, the kind where money and fame are not the exact priorities, but rather the work, the journey and the sharings that matter so much more.
So. much. more.

我很喜欢那一种的投入,that kind of dedication to and commitment in work that he so much believes in. I feel all those in me too, but there is still something stopping me from leaping.. 就是那该死的恐惧。还需要时间放下一些人事物,还有心里头的包袱,it's tough but my whole being does feel much, much lighter now (praise the Lord!).

幸亏我的时间还没到,但很快就要到了。
时间到了的时候,这一次,我准备好了吗?

很兴奋,很紧张,很。害怕。

Monday, March 16, 2015

The Beginning Of Beginnings.

Almost 3 years ago, I wrote about the beginning of the end of a life lived in self-created worthlessness.

What I didn't expect was that the end was going to take years to finally reach the real end =.=

Or maybe it had reached the end of the end but I was too busy relishing in the beginning of beginnings to realize it hehe.

Either way, I am contented to say that at this very moment, I am very much happy to be.. me =)

I still have personal downsides that I ain't very proud of, but I don't brood over them as much anymore. Like what I saw in a friend's Instagram today:

There's no need to be perfect to inspire others. Let people get inspired by how you deal with your imperfections.

I think the real definition of perfection is not something that is without flaws.
I think the real definition of perfection is something that is flawed, yet at the same time that something is not that flawed.

Deep huh.
Something like yin and yang, a plus and a minus, all in that something.

I'd like to think of life as a journey of discoveries, self-discovery especially.
I'd like to also think that more often than not, the good and the bad is a matter of perception, a sign that the balance has been tipped and wise, opportune solutions are to be seeked and fulfilled.

I continue to believe everything happens for reasons that we most probably do not know now and most likely will not know for quite some time.

Timing is everything.
In God's time, all will be revealed, one after another.
Faith is key.

Here's to the beginning of beginnings.

Monday, February 9, 2015

2015 生日愿望。

「做自己想做的事。」

祝亲爱的我:生。日。很。快。乐。

P/S: Scheduled to be posted at 0209 on 0209. Just for the sake of it =D

Sunday, January 25, 2015

Interstellar: Time.

You exist outside of time..

I found this phrase in a prayer.
A prayer for my future husband to be exact, as well as for our children-to-be.
Despite, or more accurately, because I'm still very much single now.

What would it be like to exist outside of time?

I've had this blatant disregard for time for as long as I can remember. A well-known, longtime procrastinator among my closest of friends, I'm almost always late and it takes me forever to get things done most of the time. For no apparent reason, at certain points in time, from time to time, I find that time seem to stretch on and on..

Until it's too late for me to realize that I had once again taken time for granted.

When I read what JJ Lin wrote in a post about time some time ago, frankly speaking.. I didn't quite get what he meant, even though I left seemingly irrelevant comments in a vain attempt to sound wise and knowledgeable.

I've never questioned the existence of time. To me, time has always been one of those things that are always there, things that I presumed that I can't possibly alter or exert my influence on.
Thus the blatant disregard, I suppose.

Perhaps it's due to this kinda outrageous short-sightedness that I've abhorredly ignored many integral parts of my life for the longest time, only to have successions of rude awakenings as the side effects surface in later years.
Rather challenging in making myself face all of them, I tell you.
But I've never felt more alive.

So this thing called time, how do I see it now?

The mere existence of time, the mere act of living within the constraints of time, demands great levels of patience and gratitude, wisdom and faith from each being.
Especially beings like me, repressed beings who have been numbed by years of suppressing our real passions, emotions and desires.

In taking things one step at a time.
In waiting for things to take place in time when enough has been done within a period of time.
In appreciating from time to time all the good and all the bad, all the acceptable and all the unacceptable.

Time, in addition to being measured in order to facilitate decision-making and efficiency, is in itself a system of measurement that determines the order of events, planned or unplanned. As if everything in life has already been laid out bit by bit, piece by piece, waiting only for its turn to appear.. In other words, had we existed outside of time, we could probably see all the events in our lives, or all the events in the world, or even all the events in the universe, without having to wait for them to take place.
All questions would immediately be answered with just a glance.

Fascinatingly incomprehensible, something that I would want to explore deeper with more patience without losing my mind.
Something that I believe only God has all the answers.

That said, Interstellar succeeded in completely distorting my perception of time.
That it's entirely possible for us to exist in different continuums of time in parallel.
That time is not as definite as I thought it was, probably not as infinite too.

Gosh, this is really too much to take.
In my first Interstellar post, I described this dazed, floaty state I was in when I came out of the cinema after watching the movie. I attribute most of it to this, little, crash course on the indefiniteness of time.

A question begs to be answered: Why do we exist within the constraints of time when it's possible to exist outside of time?

What JJ Lin wrote about us being the keepers of our precious, limited time here on earth may have the answer.

Because of time, everything has a limit. Every person becomes precious. Every moment earns its value, and life earns its purpose.

I'll leave it at that for now.